Self Evolution

My father visits Gurudwara everyday and my mother spends an hour reading Sukhmani sahib since 40 years. This should say something right away about my religious upbringing. Transitioning from a believer who prayed in silence everyday to a skeptic/atheist, was not just a challenge for me but for my family as well.

So is it my pride and vanity that made me question the omnipresent or I ceased to believe in God after thinking deep on the matter? I remember reading this story a couple of years back which took place in my head’s “Need to rethink” database.

“Somewhere in the world, a little girl has been abducted. There has been no phone call for any sort of ransom. In the matter of days she will be tortured, raped and probably killed by the delinquent, that is kind of confidence we can draw when something so barbaric happens, on the other side, the parents of the same girl are clinging on to a hope that some omnipresent god will save her and she will return without a scratch?” Trying to put myself in the shoes of a parent, I would be frightened significantly especially when I don’t have anything/anyone to pray to. The emptiness and the wait for time to unfold the unknown might also make me unstable.

Then, why choose this route which will make the circumstances even harsher? I asked that question numerous times during the years when I realized I am turning from a staunch believer to an atheist. Being a little mystical would have made the circumstances slightly easier but I wanted to overpower this and be realistic instead. Honestly, I am not always successful.

Reaffirming that I don’t consider myself as a semi god or some superior person who knows and understands everything. I am a normal human being who would like to ask a simple question to the majority (approximately 5.5 billion people) who incidentally I also feel should be obliged to give some proof of the existence of God especially when the stakes are so high in our time. Taking courage, I also wish to ask, “What was God doing when good men and good women during wars, earthquakes, etc etc who had been praying for years and years asked the almighty to show them light during destruction?” Not just that, I think it is morally objectionable for the survivors to think they were saved by the God. So either he couldn’t do much in such radical circumstances or he doesn’t care much.

Either way, my faith couldn’t withstand the onslaught of reason. And even-though I love fantasy world in many ways, I still want to try and be nit-picky for the story I want to fantasize about.

Grappling to hope, faith, direction from God? Is it that bad then? I am not sure. Honestly, I tried to find proof all over internet, books, research papers and finally I couldn’t fight with my own derived conclusion.


Linkee Arora


  • Shezin Siganporia

    I always thought to go with the flow is easy but your post gives me some reasons to rethink on the existence of God..

  • Shezin Siganporia

    Adding more to make it 3 lines – Even if I want to reconsider my beliefs (or fear) how do I look out for proofs and evidences. Is it wise to believe in what my family says about existence of God based on their experiences or should I rely on internet, books and research papers??!

  • Subhalaxmi Iyer

    You sound sceptical and hopeful (of being proved wrong, perhaps) all at once. It is the same situation that I am in. In my heart of hearts, I’d love to believe – I will myself to believe at times…because otherwise, it feels like an abyss – and who wants to go there, right? But my sane, rational being has not been able to give me a reason either. For instance, the story that you speak of – why would anyone abduct anyone at all; not ask for a ransom; torture; kill – basically do everything without any reason…

    So while Faith doesn’t give any answers at times, Rationality isn’t much help either. My take on this? Belief is all about personal conveniences – if religion or some form of Faith is convenient and keeps you at peace, go for it. If rationality is your drug, well…go for that, then! There are no absolute answers to anything anyway, in a world full of such existential crises.

  • “What was God doing when good men and good women during wars, earthquakes, etc etc who had been praying for years and years asked the almighty to show them light during destruction?”

    I always have this questions in my mind whenever I hear news about Terrorism, Syria blasts, or any such inhuman activities happening around the world. If the world so truly believes in God, then where is GOD during these times? Why didn’t he save people who are innocent? Why didn’t he punish those who are involved in such inhuman activities?

  • Mariyam Baxamusa

    I read and re-read your reflection and I am wondering, is it possible to stay without a God, without a belief in Higher power…not for me perhaps.

    Just because you feel that God should be doing the right things–things which are right according to you–what if the things which are right according to you are wrong according to God.

    What if you do not understand the Bigger picture…aren’t you scared of being left alone to deal with the BIG BAD world, with no one to fall back upon or blame.

    Finding evidence for truth is more difficult than finding evidence for false and hence finding evidence that there is a God is difficult than finding the evidence that there is none.

    For all you know–it is God’s wish that you are on this path of opposing Him, to help you be happy….maybe that’s God’s agenda to make you happy in whatever you do;)

    • I do get scared from time to time, but then reminding myself of the reasons for my derivations/reasons/choice usually helps. If it doesn’t, some cushion-comfortable evidence supporting my belief does the trick. 🙂
      Thank you.

    • “aren’t you scared of being left alone to deal with the BIG BAD world, with no one to fall back upon or blame.” I guess, an enlightened mind will help me take responsibility of where I land in life. I guess the feeling of being “afraid” will definitely not let me look upto anyone/any power with respect.

  • Personally I strongly believe in god but yes I also carry the same questions about the evils and the vices especially rapes and brutal murders. I try to ponder upon such questions that why god allows such things to happen to the people, but I’m not sure how will I get any answers to this question. Will there be an end to such monstrosities?? When???

  • Definitely there is no proof of the existence of God, it’s mere a belief/faith. But I believe in the existence of divine power. And even if it doesn’t exist, being human being we need someone to satisfy our inner urge by saying whatever happens, it happens for good. To change our outlook towards society and ourselves and make it positive.

Leave a Reply